eveofnigh (eveofnigh) wrote,

SPN Fic - I Have Dreamed of Hope Departed (Sam, PG)

Title: I Have Dreamed of Hope Departed
Summary: Sam’s irredeemable, his sins too black to be forgiven. Coda to 5x04, the time between when Sam tells Dean about being Lucifer’s vessel, and when Dean returns from the future and calls Sam back.
Warnings: Spoilers for 5x04. Angst like whoa.
Characters: Sam
Word Count: 550
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine. Period. End of story.


Sam doesn’t know what he is expecting when he calls Dean.

It certainly isn’t this, jokes and jeers and tense laughs at his expense. Because Dean has never acted like this with Sam before, might have yelled, fought, punched and kicked and swore, but this, this carefully forged disinterest is new.

New and alien and unexpected, like shards of glass ripping bloody gashes in his chest, stealing away his air.

This, what Dean is saying, sounds final, once and for all and forever. Like Dean couldn’t care less what happens to Sam, more evidence that the message Dean had left on his phone, before Sam had screwed up irrevocably and started the apocalypse, is all true.

Dean thinks Sam’s a monster.

Something to be hunted and killed, head sliced off in the middle of the night with a sharp-edged machete and little ceremony. No evidence of his existence left behind besides the gore spattered crimson on the wall behind the body.

Sam thinks, sometimes, every night he wakes up and sees Lucifer watching him, silver-tongued devil patient as the tides and more powerful besides, that Dean might just be right.

Sam’s irredeemable, his sins too black to be forgiven.

Sam’s a monster.

The next few days Sam spends trying to decide what would be easier, to keep hunting, a twisted sort of repentance for his sins, or if he should kill himself, before he destroys the world.

Except Lucifer would bring him back, probably mindless, compliant as a marionette, and Sam will not let Lucifer win that easily.

Sam wonders if the Colt would kill him, or if that would prove an exercise in futility as well.

The Colt can kill demons, after all. These days, though, Sam thinks he might be something even worse.

It comes to Sam’s attention that he could lock himself away, build a safehouse as strong as Bobby’s and melt the key, but Sam won’t do that, either. Because Sam knows himself too well, knows his sins as well as the smooth slide of rosary beads through his fingers, makes himself recite them over and over in his head in an unbroken litany, so that he does not forget again.

Isolation would break him.

Break him far easier and quicker than Lucifer would ever be able to achieve.

There is a gun clenched in Sam’s hand, barrel pointed at his forehead, magazine loaded with a single round. It is not the Colt. Sam does not care, is almost desperate enough to see if Lucifer would keep his promise and bring him back.

Because if Lucifer does bring Sam back, then Sam can begin to look for alternative solutions. And if Sam does die, a quick neat hole through his forehead and gaping exit wound at the back of his skull, there is no one who will mourn him anyway.

When Dean calls, Sam does not want to allow himself the luxury of hope.

Tags: fandom: supernatural, fic, gen
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